- ‘Cats the Musical’ opened to great reviews. Especially actual cats found themselves raving about it, saying the performances were “meow. Just absolutely meow”.
- “Being a stripper can be fun!” exclaims Jasmine St. Claire, porn star and former gang bang record holder. “Except when you’re an onion, then it’s just a lot of work.”
- A young teenage clown named Bim Bam Buttons (14) was kicked out of catholic school for using holy water for her water squirt gund and for “wearing an ungodly amount of make up”.
- Bim Bam Buttons, the teenage clown who wears too much make up, got arrested on a DUI-charge last Friday night. After having snuck out of her dormitory and drinking too many alcopops, she was caught driving around drunk on her unicycle.
- The CIA agents had to stop their enhanced interrogation, seeing that their suspect would never crack, what with said suspect being a tough coconut. Literally and metaphorically.
- Once again, the fire department’s annual BBQ feast came to an early end as overly eager firemen hosed down the fire of the grill station.
- President Trump is urging everyone to cover their mouths when they sneeze, so as to send the sneezes “right back to where they came from”.
- After running her first 21K, she trained even harder, hoping to one day finish a 21L, or maybe even an M.
- The Baha Men’s first single should have been a ballad called ‘Who let the tears out (huhuhu)’. Management, however, urged the group to debut with a catchier tune titled ‘Who let the dogs out (Who? Who? Who?)’ as going with a ballad didn’t really fit the vibe of the band nor the zeitgeist of the 2000s.
- Years later, a music group called the ‘Huhu Boys’ got the rights to and auditioned with ‘Who let the tears out (huhuhu)’ on Britain’s Got Talent. They got 4 Yeses. Simon Cowell said it was “the saddest fucking act he’d ever seen. But in a good way.”
a brief summary of everything
the day daises
the night nights
and the animal animals
sometimes the human animals, too
but that’s just how the world worlds.
(we must not kebab the fight)
(i have a secret, i don’t know where to hide it. put it in a poem, they said, they’re never gonna find it. wrap it in thick, warm words such as “wool”, “syrup” and “caressingly”. write in “bubble wrap”, “sun lotion” and “that shirley bassey song” to protect it. add some joys like “too much sugar”, “casiotones” and “jeans that fit”. build a wall (!), a couple of codes and your best friend’s will around it - they’re never gonna get through to it - and just to be sure, write it in parentheses.)
i think really big thoughts of you
and i feel really fat feelings for you, too
so know that there are these massive thought-things
and these funny feelings
floating in the air, the atmosphere and space
and know that they travel everywhere
maybe even to a star
or to that store that does my dry cleaning
45 More or Less Game-Changing Ideas
- There should be funerals for love that died.
- A Lost&Found for people who’ve lost the eye of the tiger.
- A return policy for things you’ve inherited from your parents.
- More zigs, less zags.
- What if growing pains are really just pains growing?
- If you take the road less travelled, there will be less traffic.
- We need more things that make people realise that what really matters is on the inside (i.e.: more molten chocolate lava cake.)
- Out of Mind Notifications.
(e.g.: I will be out of my mind from Oct 17 until Nov. 36. If you need immediate assistance, please pray to God.)
- Love is like the wind. You can’t see it but you can smell it. (It stinks.)
- Love isn’t the answer to everything. Time is.
- Whatever souls are made of, they’re most likely made in China. (Shina)
- People who sell condos are Brokers.
People who sell broken hopes and dreams are Heartbrokers.
- Random social media posts to ensure continued social media attention.
- Silver shoes with mirror-effect so you can check your panties while standing up.
- Small orchestras that play tiny pieces for tiny, everday sorrows like missing your train or meeting your soulmate and knowing that you will never be together.
- Always hovering over your desired weight. (Otherwise, what will be left of your dreams?)
- Dancing like noone’s taking a video.
- Bots that delete old Myspace profiles to restore one’s dignity.
- A Spotify playlist that helps you poop.
- A dictionary for talking dirty. (Pollution, Smog, Plastic Waste, etc.)
- A Coldplay-Blocker.
- Paying attention on a credit loan basis.
- An app that shuts you up when you’re drunk.
- Remaining steady while the world worlds.
- Reminders for when you leave leftover burritos in your bag for too long.
- Do my pants make my butt look nice or does my butt make my pants look nice?
- Is my back tattoo really that big or is my back just really small?
- Unbecoming an adult.
- An app that helps you find a personal trainer near you. (Uber-Fit)
- Instant thin arms.
- Socks that behave as they should.
- More breakfasts, brunches and brinners.
- A course that teaches people the difference between a woman giving attitude and a woman sharing an opinion.
- Microblading. (Oh wait. That’s a thing already.)
- A Man Bun Murderer.
- “French Entrance” - When people enter a party unnoticed with tongue.
- The realization that greatness and fame aren’t the same fucking thing.
- Dorian Gray on Snapchat.
- We need more places to eat ramen.
- Not having snot run all over your face when you’re trying to cry in movie-esque fashion.
- Tinder for women who are looking for cats.
- LinkedIn for women who are looking for professional cats.
- A smoothie that energizes you with passion (fruit).
- Knowing the difference between ‘not on the same page’ and ‘not even in the same fucking book’.
- A Delete Forever button for Friday Nights.